Getting Pregnant
“Getting Pregnant” can be a very tricky, emotional subject. The journey itself is full of uncertainty and is often weighed down by the judgement and unwelcome advice of others. For this reason, I have a strong “don’t ask, let them tell” policy when it comes to asking other women if/when they plan to get pregnant. You just never know what’s going on in someone else’s life. Maybe they’ve been struggling with infertility for years or maybe they’re sick of defending their (totally valid) decision not to have kids. Regardless, it’s really none of my damn business.
That being said, I’ve found an incredible amount of comfort and inspiration from the stories of women who were willing to (voluntarily) share their own journey to motherhood. From my mom and mother-in-law, to strangers on the internet including Sarah Adler of Simply Real Health and Rachl Mansfield they’ve each been invaluable. And so I’ve decided to put my own story out there. Just in case it makes one single person feel less alone or in the dark. So buckle up for some TMI.
Getting Ready to “Try”
My husband (Robin) and I made a point to discuss if/when we wanted to have kids before we got married. Luckily we were on the same page. Yes, we wanted them. But not yet. I always knew I wanted to be a mom, but had a lot of fear and anxiety around the whole idea. I was scared it wouldn’t work out. I was afraid that if it did, then my relationship with Robin would suffer. I didn’t like the idea of completely losing my physical autonomy and worried about losing myself in the process of becoming a mom too. And yet, somehow, deep in my soul, my gut told me it was the right path for me. I just had no idea what it would look like.
Last February, about 6 months after our wedding, I was seeing a naturopathic doctor who recommended going off the pill about a year before I was ready to get pregnant. The idea was to give my body a chance to get back into its natural rhythm before throwing it an 8 lb, hormone fueled curveball. I’m by no means saying that this is what you or anyone else should do, but it resonated with me. I was nervous about how 15 years on the pill might affect my fertility and was eager to get in touch with my natural cycle. I definitely wasn’t ready to get pregnant, but taking this next step felt right and Robin was on board.
So what does one do when they go off hormonal birth control, but don’t want to get pregnant you ask? You guessed it...condoms! I’ll admit, it was a little awkward to go back to using them, but we weren’t up for “rolling the dice”. Fortunately, after about a month my period came back and I started to get acquainted with my cycle for the first time in my life. Around this time I also read the book “Woman Code” by Alisa Vitti and used the corresponding MyFLOW app to track my cycle. As a health and wellness nerd I was excited to explore this seemingly mysterious, yet vital bodily function and to learn about my reproductive and endocrine systems. It was both fascinating and empowering.
Pulling the Goalie
About a month later we decided to move from the heart of bustling Seattle to the coastal, college town of Bellingham, WA. We felt like this new community would better support our desire to lead a simpler life, pursue dreams of entrepreneurship, and raise our family closer to nature. (Yeah turns out we’re kind of crunchy). After a few months we were settling into our new hometown, our new old house, and a colossal remodel. This whole time we had kids in the back of our minds.
Slowly, but surely we started talking more concretely about the idea of starting a family. It was early summer and we began playing with the idea of “pulling the goalie” (thank you to my brother-in-law for that hilarious phrase) that fall. We had a big Europe trip planned for October and thought maybe that would be a festive excuse to go for it, but when the time rolled around it didn’t feel like the right thing. In the end we started trying shortly after we got back, feeling refreshed and reconnected.
I knew I wanted to do my best not to overthink the process as both Robin and I are chronic worriers - hence all the yoga. Despite all of the detailed advice that you can (and I did) find on the internet, the general consensus is this: Have sex, multiple times a week and eventually, you’ll probably get pregnant. So we just had fun with it. Most of the month that was great, but each time that window of possibility rolled around I was admittedly consumed with wondering. “Do my boobs hurt extra?” “Is that nausea or did I just eat that burrito too fast?” While I am fully aware that it takes most women an average of 6 months to get pregnant, every month it didn’t happen felt like a huge blow. Logically, I knew it was totally normal. But between the hormones and crippling uncertainty I still cried every time my period came. No shame. Feel your feelings, right?
A Miscarriage
On the third cycle of “trying” my period was late, which was rare for me. I planned to wait a full week after its expected arrival to reduce the chances of a false negative. I was going to wait until Friday, but Thursday morning I started spotting. There was just a little blood when I wiped (sorry if this is TMI), but it was definitely there. I reached out to my naturopath and she explained that based on my symptoms and my otherwise timely periods, I probably had been pregnant and may be experiencing an early miscarriage. There was a small chance that this was an implantation bleed (a sign of early pregnancy), but maybe not. The best advice she gave me was not to take a pregnancy test, which might just make the whole experience more emotional. I would just have to wait and see what happened, which is not my favorite.
Unfortunately, that same day they were installing new subfloor and our construction site of a home became filled with toxic fumes. Just in case I was pregnant we stayed the night at a motel in the neighborhood. The next day the fumes were still so bad that we had to crash my in-laws romantic weekend in Vancouver, BC to escape. We made the two hour drive that night and I was starting to get really uncomfortable thanks to cramping and a bad stomach ache from all the anxiety. To add insult to injury I was advised to wear a pad to reduce chances of infection (your cervix opens up when you miscarry) and had to stroll around the Vancouver Aquarium wearing what felt like a giant diaper.
Although we can’t know for sure since I didn’t take a test, my doctor and I believe it was in fact an early miscarriage. The bleeding got heavier (a bit more than a normal period for me) and the cramps were worse. If I hadn’t been so in tune with my body I might have easily passed it off as a late, heavy period, but sometimes you just know. That weekend in Vancouver was an uncomfortable, emotional blur that was also full of love and support from Robin and our parents. We had decided ahead of time that we would keep our parents, siblings and one or two very close friends in the know when we started trying. I thought I might want to keep things more private, but it was SO valuable for me to have at least a couple people I could talk to about the insane journey we were on.
Moving Forward
Everyone handles a miscarriage differently. Since mine had been so early and required no additional procedures, I felt ready to move forward with trying right away. I wasn’t hellbent on it happening immediately, but I also didn’t feel the need to take precautions to avoid it. With my doctor’s approval, we carried on as usual. The one thing that did change for me was my attitude towards other aspects of my life. I felt as if I’d been holding back or putting my life on hold just in case I got pregnant, but that could take months or even years! So I promptly signed up for IIN, a holistic nutrition coaching program I’d been toying with for years. I also signed up to teach an Advanced Power class as motivation and got ready to get back into inversions. Baby can’t hold me back!
About three weeks after my miscarriage ended I started spotting again. I knew it was normal for things to be off after a miscarriage, but it still kind of freaked me out. I wasn’t expecting my period for a week. Was this implantation bleeding? Is it a continuation of my miscarriage? I texted my doctor who said it was totally normal. My mom and best friend however weren’t 100% sure about that. Both wondered aloud if it might be implantation bleeding. I myself was totally convinced there was no way I was pregnant already. But there was a part of me deep down that wondered.
The spotting stopped completely after two days. A week passed and my period was a no show. I did feel a little funny... My mouth was super watery and I had a couple moments of lightheadedness. There was even one night that I woke up in the middle of the night and vomited. I verrrry rarely throw up. Even if I have the stomach flu. I thought Mother Nature must be a real asshole giving my the stomach flu the same week I’m wondering if I’m pregnant. But I remained convinced. There was NO WAY it was really happening. It was too early to even feel symptoms according to most info out there. I told my doctor about the vomiting and let her know I was going to wait until Friday morning (a full week late) to take a test and she said to keep her posted.
|| Quick Sidebar: How infuriating is it that almost ALL symptoms of pregnancy could ALSO be signs of PMS or even a miscarriage? So confusing and overall not cool. ||
“Are you sure?”
On Friday, February 8th I peed on a stick. I had read that your first pee is the best as it has the highest concentration of the pregnancy hormone HCG. After an hour or two of lying fully awake, desperately trying to hold in that special early morning pee, I woke Robin up and told him it was go time. He followed as I marched swiftly downstairs, into the bathroom, where I whipped out that pee stick and got down to business. My nerves couldn’t take another moment of suspense. Despite the fact that my legs were shaking like a nervous chihuahua, I hit my target and set the pregnancy test on the counter. I poured myself a glass of water and sat back down on the toilet anxiously awaiting clarity. (My heart is literally racing just writing this!)
After about 30 seconds, Robin couldn’t help but take a peek. I figured there was no way it said anything yet, but he paused and stared at it before squeaking out a shallow, “Babe it says you’re pregnant.” I literally didn’t believe him at first. I have no ideas why on Earth he would be messing with me, but all I could say was, “Really? Are you sure? No it doesn’t.” He assured me that it did and then presented me with the evidence. We were both in shock. There were no tears or “OMG” squeals of delight like you see in the commercials. We literally couldn’t process it. The miscarriage felt like it was yesterday, I hadn’t even had a real period yet, and I was pregnant? I felt excited and fortunate, but I also didn’t trust it yet.
We bundled up and walked through the first snow of the year to our favorite breakfast spot to celebrate and process. We barely touched our food and were at a loss for words. When we got home I took a second test, which swiftly spit out another positive pregnancy result. I texted my doctor and she got me an appointment for a blood test to confirm later that afternoon. False positives with home pregnancy tests are pretty rare, but I just couldn’t let myself fully believe I was actually pregnant. That is until about 4pm when I got a text from our doctor to confirm the life altering good news. I was 5 weeks pregnant!
A Final Note
This is just one story. We had our ups and downs and ultimately had a relatively easy time of getting pregnant. And it’s not because we did anything special or are better/more committed than anyone else. Mostly we got lucky. If you are trying to get pregnant and it’s not going how you planned know that you are not alone, or broken, or lesser than. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck sometimes. Let yourself feel it. If just thinking about getting pregnant give you hives then consider yourself sane because this shit is stressful and weird AF. All of the above has been worth it for me so far. It’s tested and strengthened my relationship with my husband. It brought me closer to family and friends. And it’s made me feel more connected and in awe of women everywhere.
I’m still fully in it and would love to hear from you. If you have any (non-judgmental) words or wisdom or advice please share! I’ll be back soon with all the nitty gritty on the 1st Trimester.