Six Strategies for Managing Mom Rage (in a healthy way)
Let me just start off by saying that I am NOT an expert on motherhood. Not just because my son is only 18-months old, but because I don’t really think anyone is. No matter how many babies they’ve birthed or books they’ve written, nobody has this mom thing completely figured out. And just when you think you’re close, it changes!
At the same time I do believe that every mama has wisdom to share through the telling of her story. These stories shed light, bust shame, educate, connect, and most importantly they help other moms feel less alone. Two articles on this very subject really helped me in this way and inspired me to do the same. That is why I am here to share my stories, my insights, my tools, aaaand my big fat failures with you.
Ok back to the rage.
I first experienced these big angry feelings when I had a newborn. Those first 6 weeks were pretty dark for me. It’s tricky to pinpoint why since our son was healthy, I made it through birth relatively unscathed (or so I thought at the time), and we had a lot of support from our family. It was just so overwhelming and all consuming and frustrating. I was deeply mourning the loss of our amazing couple-life and maaaajorly sleep deprived. Our baby slept decently, but GRUNTED. The. Whole. Time. Keeping me awake at all hours.
There were multiple moments I felt like I had made a horrible mistake having a child. I literally thought in a sleepless, desperate daze “if only we hadn’t told anyone about the pregnancy I could give him up for adoption and no one would ever know”. (Yikes, right?) I also had moments where I looked down and my sweet darling baby’s face and found myself filled with anger and resentment. Why did you have to ruin our lives?! Why am I such an idiot who thought this would be a good idea?!?!
Fortunately, our doula warned us about these perfectly natural “scary thoughts” that most new parents experience at one point or the other. I was also seeing my therapist who specializes in helping moms so she could be on the lookout for any serious postpartum mood disorders. Still. Those “scary thoughts” spooked me. Once we got into a rhythm with sleep and got to know our little buddy those moments of mom rage pretty much subsided and we skated along with a pretty easy baby. It was exhausting and relentless, but it felt more rewarding and right. We became a family of three.
Fast forward about one year, one prolapse, and one pandemic later and those hot, red, clenched, growly feelings began to resurface. It started to crop up during night feedings. My anxiety, which I have struggled with for decades, started to impact my ability to get a let down for nursing. The second I heard Hudson cry I literally burst into a hot sweat. My heart would start racing. No let down in sight. I finally had to start listening to Gilmore Girls in one earbud for every nursing session just to distract myself from the anxious feelings so my body could release milk. I have since listened to the series 1.5x through over the past 8 months. So weird. Whatever. It helps.
Eventually though, even Lorelai and Rory’s company couldn’t quell the big feelings that were flaring up in the night. Anxiety was shifting into anger again and I would find myself grumbling under my breath, clenching my fists, seething every time I heard him wake in the night. It was just too much pressure. So, we decided to take night nursing off the table.
What a fucking relief. Now if Hudson wakes up. Robin is on deck. After a night or two he just slept right through until morning. It was great.
||Side bar: I realize this is why so many moms do bottles at night from day one. Unfortunately, pumping never worked great for me and when the pandemic hit and I wasn’t teaching I just gave it up all together. This was our story.||
So here we are now. I am the mother of a very sweet toddler who is belatedly teething like a freight train while I am attempting to start/grow a new business without any outside childcare (for now). I am stressed. He is hurting. Sleep is getting rough again. I also want to mention that nursing has always been a part of our bedtime routine. For naps and nighttime. He almost always goes down awake at night, but he often needs a little more help getting down at nap. I feel self-conscious about it, but it’s worked for us. So far… Now out of nowhere he will only fall asleep on me, nursing away light a little suckerfish. Even then sometimes when I try to put him down he wakes up. We start over. I get mad.
I know it’s not his fault. I am mostly mad at myself, even though it’s not really my fault either. But every time I find myself gingerly dropping him into his crib the anticipation and pressure builds up in my body as if an ax murderer is about to burst into the room. The second his voice streaks through the darkened room I feel. So. Much. Rage. It is illogical. It is misplaced. But it is real.
I don’t scream (ok I have twice). I don’t get physical with him at all. I do wildly gesticulate into the darkness. I growl and grumble and swear under my breath. I think that’s ok. But for me it’s not ok to do it in front of him. I don’t want to scare him. I don’t want him to take it on, because as real and valid as my feelings are they really don’t have anything to do with him. Last week when I was doing bedtime he started to stir and cry out moments after I got him down. I growled in frustration and then PLOP and fell right back to sleep. Maybe this isn’t a big deal, but I just HATED that the last interaction he had with me before sleep was my anger.
I know I am human. I know I need to tap out earlier than I do at times. I also know that feeling frustrated as a parent isn’t going to end anytime soon. I have been working through these feelings for a while, but this recent interaction shifted me into high gear. I’ve been working with my incredible therapist, talking with my husband, and doing the inner work to stock up my increasingly hefty toolbox to deal with anger and big feelings in a healthy way. This will be a lifelong journey for sure, but here’s what’s helped. I hope it helps you cope and to feel less alone.
Acknowledging that my feelings are real and that the flood of rage is not out of the blue. All feelings are valid. I repeat all feelings are valid! All reactions to those feelings are not. However, it helps me to remember and notice everything else that is going on in my life that makes it so easy to lose my cool over such small potatoes. Toddlers are hard. This pandemic is brutal. Starting a business is scary. I need more help. There are people in this world who have no regard for how their actions affect others. Covid. Racism. Sexism. Mom shaming. Fatphobia. There is PLENTY to be stressed and mad about right now. It would be weird if I wasn’t.
Regular exercise. This has always been my top strategy for managing my anxiety and it works for anger too. This doesn’t have to be sweaty or long. A short walk. A 20 minute spin class. Yoga. Every little bit helps complete the stress cycle and keeps my stress baseline lower - giving me that much more patience to face the bedtime routine and anything else life throws my way.
Meditation. I just started this during the pandemic after years of toying with it. I’ve been pretty solidly doing my “10 minutes” nightly after Hudson goes to sleep. I jot down 5 things I'm grateful for and do a 5-minute mindfulness meditation on my back in the guest room. Can you guess who fell off the meditation wagon the week leading up to my recent growly outburst?? (It me.) Yup. Gotta get back on it. Like exercise, it helps keep my emotional baseline down.
Bedtime mantra. Mantras have really helped me get through very stressful times. It sounds so woo woo, but it’s really very practical. Talking to myself gives me a place to focus my attention, which helps keep emotional swells at bay. My anxiety skyrocketed after a loss scare during my pregnancy. So whenever I felt scared before an ultrasound or big appointment I would repeat “we are ok” in my head while I took deep breaths. Anticipation is hard for me so I knew it would help to have a mantra for that moment of truth… is he going to stay asleep or not? I’ve been playing around with it and I currently landed on “I am his mom. I choose peace.” It’s helped a lot!
Physical release. I have such a physical reaction to emotions. When I was little I would bite my arms so hard when I was upset. I see Huddy banging his head and pulling his hair when it’s all too much. Ugh. It breaks my heart. It’s understandable, but it’s not healthy to hurt ourselves or each other when we’re upset. AND that doesn't mean we can’t still let it out physically. While I can’t go for a jog mid-bedtime routine, I can quietly squeeze a pillow or wring a towel. My therapist suggested hugging yourself hard, which is also supposed to be a great way for kids to deal with big feelings too. I am trying it all on and am teaching my little one too.
Vent it out. Women are so ill equipped by society to deal with anger. We need safe spaces to process it. I told my husband I need to just vent it out (good, bad, ugly) after a frustrating bedtime routine without fear of judgement or solutions. I want his help and suggestions, but in the heat of frustration I know I won’t be receptive to it. It helps to communicate this ahead of time. ;)
I want you to know that I do not have it all figured out, but with the help of an incredible support network I have made leaps and bounds managing my mental health. I truly believe in raising families as a village and I hope that even in this small way I can be a part of yours. I KNOW that when moms are connected and strong we can tackle ANYTHING. Climate change. World peace. You name it.
On that note I encourage you to share your own stories of frustration or insights. Let us know in the comments. How do big feelings show up for you? Where can you get more support?