Pregnancy: Feeling the Fear and Doing It Anyway
The unknown terrifies me. Sometimes fear and anxiety paralyze me. In spite of this reality I’ve taken some pretty big, scary (to me) leaps in life. After college I moved across the country to Washington, DC with a one-way plane ticket and no job. I later left my steady, corporate job to teach yoga just 2x a week. And now, after getting married, moving to a new town, and deciding to start a business, I went and got myself knocked up (on purpose). This has been the most life-altering, meaningful, and terrifying thing I have ever done and I’ve still got 15 weeks to go - plus the rest of my life as a parent.
I’m the first to admit that I’m scared. I also believe that there is power in naming our fears. I decided to jot down my deepest, darkest, most illogical fears around pregnancy and take a look at what actually happened (so far). You could do the same with any big leap you’ve taken in life. Why bother? Because it just might give you the courage to keep going or to take the next scary step in life. At the very least it’s fun/therapeutic to reflect and you might just get a good laugh. On the the Fear Factor…
Fear: I won’t have as many quality healthcare options in a smaller town (after moving from Seattle to Bellingham, WA).
Reality: SO not the case. The other day someone jokingly referred to Bellingham as “Birthingham”. There are so many options, especially if you’re into working with midwives, which I was. The hard part was actually deciding where/who to work with. People don’t talk about this enough in my opinion, which really surprises me, because it feels like a pretty important decision. We met a few midwives, including the nurse midwives at the hospital. We finally decided on a birth center midwife and then ultimately switched to a different midwife after a baby health scare (turns out he was fine) left us feeling in need of someone more hands-on who we connected with better. BIG life lesson. Don’t be afraid to change courses if you’re dealing with any kind of health provider that’s not working for you.
Fear: My body will no longer be my own. I will lose all control and might even be too sick to work.
Reality: It’s kind of true, but I don’t mind nearly as much as I expected. There is now a new life in me that is literally feeding off of my body, moving around inside, and drastically changing my physical experience and appearance. I kind of love it though. My nausea was pretty moderate and only lasted a couple months so it didn’t impact my teaching much. I couldn’t really get down veggies during that time, which was weird, but I’m back at it. My workouts have shifted throughout the pregnancy and I’m not running anymore. I’m loving prenatal yoga and love a good spin class when I really want to sweat. I’m also super into my new boobs! Less excited about hip pain, but I’m getting through. The bottom line is that I still get to decide how I move and fuel my body. There are simply new factors to consider. Challenge accepted!
Fear: My relationship with Robin will suffer. I’ll be a wreck and the sex will be ruined.
Reality: Thank, fucking, God, for Robin. Nobody’s perfect, but I couldn’t have picked a better partner to go through this with. Gushy/obnoxious, but true. I will admit it can be hard for me to feel so reliant on him. I like to pull my own weight, but right now the truth is I need more support than usual. He’s doing the painting so I can avoid fumes. He rubs my back (and legs and feet) so I can get comfortable. He takes over dinner when I’ve hit a wall. Sometimes I feel really, really guilty and pathetic, but mostly I am grateful. All I can do is let him know how much it means to me and take care of him back with the energy I do have. And you know what? The sex is still great! The biggest change is just my energy level. I get reallly tired at night, so we keep that in mind. We’ve also had to adjust our “approach” as my belly gets bigger, but it can be a great excuse to mix things up. Sex might be awkward to talk about, but it matters and is worth the effort.
Fear: People will look at me and treat me differently as a pregnant person. Maybe they’ll be weirded out or not want to hire me or take my yoga classes.
Reality: Mostly not true. Fortunately, I have amazing employers who are incredibly supportive of me teaching as much as I want, while understanding that things might need to adjust over time. I’ve even been hired at a new studio since becoming pregnant and booked my first event series! Once I started letting students know that I was pregnant, they’re mostly just excited for me. It’s really sweet. Now that I’m starting to show I am getting more comments about my appearance, which are all well intended, but don’t always land. Mainly it’s that I “don’t look XX weeks pregnant?!” I think it’s supposed to be a compliment of some kind, but what people don’t know is that I’m really self-conscious about it and worry he’s not growing fast/big enough. So far he is and I know that tall, athletic women don’t show as early, but still. I think it’s safe to say there’s no need to comment on the size of any woman’s body.
Fear: I will HATE not being able to have or do what I want. I’ll feel stifled by all the rules and maybe even resent my baby for it.
Reality: It sucks sometimes, but it’s worth it. Fortunately, I read the book Expecting Better, which shines a data-driven, evidenced-based light on the “why” behind certain rules. This has helped me navigate all the fear mongering and decide what’s right for me. I definitely avoid things like undercooked meat, raw dairy, toxic fumes, over-the-counter pain-killers, too much mercury etc. BUT I have made an educated decision to have high quality sushi from time-to-time, steal a sip of Robin’s beer a couple times a week, workout to whatever extent feels right, etc. Those little acts of autonomy help me to feel like a real, adult person. Do I miss that nice full glass of wine? Yes. Do I resent my baby for it? Nope. Totally worth it. There’s a surprising amount of gray area and I believe women deserve to be informed and then make their own choices. We bear children, but we are adults and should be treated as such.
Fear: Pregnancy and motherhood will hold me back and crush all the momentum I’ve created in my career.
Reality: Sooooo not true (so far). I’ve talked about this before, but pregnancy has kicked my ass into gear career-wise. When we were “trying” I signed up for nutrition school after years of waiting. The day after I found out I was pregnant I finally booked a photoshoot so I could finish my website. I launched Wildish Ways and booked a private event! I’m still really unsure about how it’s all going to fit together when the baby comes, but luckily I’ve chosen a path that can be flexible, even part-time if I want. There’s still so much more I want to do - more events, retreats, health coaching - and it’s all going to happen. I might just look a little different or happen more slowly than I’d like. It will also require me to lean into leaning on others. Robin, family, friends, therapists, you name it.
Fear: Nobody will want to be friends with me and Robin and anymore since we’re going to become parents.
Reality: Too soon to tell. This is such a middle school kind of fear, but it’s still real. I wasn’t really anticipating this fear before I got pregnant, but as soon as I did I worried our friends without kids would feel like they couldn’t relate to us anymore. I’m definitely careful not to blather on about my pregnancy or impending parenthood with anyone who isn’t equally interested, which means pretty much everyone but Robin and our parents. Am I always successful? Probably not. But I’ve also been really surprised by how curious and excited some of our friends have been about it. Obviously I know things will be even more real once the little guy actually comes. I still nervous about how things will change, but I know my parents have met a lot of their best friends through their kids so who knows?
Fear: That something horrible will happen. The baby or myself could die!
Reality: Yup. Still afraid. I’m not reaaallly that worried that I’ll die, but I definitely don’t want to and it does happen (rarely). Mostly, I’ve been afraid the pregnancy wouldn’t stick. We did have one miscarriage and one scare where the midwife couldn’t find the heartbeat with the doppler at 13 weeks. Of course he was actually fine during. I have a tilted uterus and he was just hiding in the back so the doppler couldn’t catch him. The second we went in for an ultrasound he was right there, doing back flips. But that fear is hard to shake. It’s a constant battle. A consistent act of letting go and trusting. Beyond taking extra special care of myself, there’s not much more I can do. I do now have control and that won’t end when he’s born either. This is the path I signed up for. Luckily I’m moving forward with a whole crew of support behind me. From friends and family to doulas, midwives, and therapists. Go team!
It’s ok to be scared. It’s ok say to no or admit you’re not ready - for anything. BUT don’t let that fear keep you stuck. When you know it’s right, as only you can, feel that fear and do it anyway! The bite of reality is almost never as bad as the bark. I guarantee if you look back you’d be able to give yourself the same advice. I’m curious, how did those scary, obnoxious fears turn out for you?